Do This Instead of Watching The News

Tis much when sceptres are in children’s hands,
But more when envy breeds unkind division:
There comes the ruin, there begins confusion.

Williams Shakespeare – King Henry the Sixth, Act IV

Talking politics today is a losing proposition, and I generally avoid it at all costs. Even if you think you know your audience, it never fails but that someone will take a devil’s advocate position and ruin it for everyone.  The sky is blue, you say, and yet, weird Jackass Uncle Joe will point out that today is actually cloudy.  And then you’re forced to bang your head repeatedly on the wall.  (Side note: does anyone know if forehead bruises can be permanent?)

Regardless of your political affiliation, there’s awful stuff happening everywhere.  For example, the Kardashians exist.  Similarly, my cat got mad about who knows what and pooped on the bathmat yesterday.  Maybe that’s not the same thing, but the point is, bad stuff happens.

With all that’s going on in the world today, sometimes you can get caught up in the negative.  This line of thinking is counterproductive.  In order to remain focused and functioning, I’m providing you with a list of things you can do that are better than watching the news.  You’re welcome!

  1. Reorganize your junk drawer.  Save only the ketchup packets.
  2. Line up your shoes.  By smell.
  3. Count all the dry rice in your pantry, grain by grain.
  4. Read a book aloud to your dog.  The cat won’t listen.
  5. Start a meaningless fight between your friends by separately telling two of them the other said something shady.  Make popcorn.
  6. Spend several hours walking around the grocery store with only deodorant in your cart.  Make extended and awkward eye contact with strangers.
  7. Count new wrinkles as they appear.  Write down their location in a special journal.  
  8. Buy a magnifying glass.  Check to make sure the thread count of your sheets is exactly as advertised.  
  9. Walk everywhere backwards to “develop your calf muscles.”  Explain it that way in excruciating detail to everyone you see.
  10. Practice a weird tic to use at work.  Try a different one every day for a month, but only in front of the receptionist so that no one believes her when she mentions it.